I am a 31 y.o. female and I believe I may be bipolar. my father and uncle both have been diagnosed yet I have not. I have such severe mood w=swings that last up to two weeks at a time and I make it pure living hell on my family when one of my "bad moods" surface. I have a wonderful husband who tries his best to comfort me and be a support and does a terrific job. But in all reality I know that this is causing so much strain and stress on us as a pair. I have a 11 y.o. daughter who doesn't understand either and it is so hard on her. I have been in the hospitol several times and am on depakote. Doctors have yet to diagnos me with bipolar because they say I have not been under there care long enough to determine. But in my eyes I am I know. I grew up living in a household with this horrible diasese and I still do not understand. I try to control my moods and at times that seems to cause things to go worse. I know that there are others like me out there but sometimes I feel so alone. I need some helpful advice, some moral support, a story one like my own to help I think. If any one has anything to say or suggest to help me please let me know. I am grasping life sometimes only with a prayer and it scares me. I do not want to give up on life but sometimes I feel as if that is the only option. I don't think I would ever try to take my life but thenagain I can not believe some of the things I have done in the past. HELP! thanks for reading and listening! tracie

Dear Tracie,

My name is Raeven and I am so glad you wrote in to our chit chat board. I was diagnosed about 16 years ago if memory serves me right (which it often doesn't). I have been to MANY psychiatrists since I was diagnosed, and they seemed to luckily diagnose me quickly when I described exactly what you did. I'm 41/ female/ with an 18 year old daughter with bipolar. She showed signs of it from 6th grade on when she was in the psyche ward 3 times for a month each in a 2 year period. The Dr.'s said she was too young for a diagnosis like that,and wouldn't put her on meds!! I had to fight hard for years until she was finally starting the meds carosel. She has been in the psyche ward about once a year since 6th grade and is now currently in the hospital, and is 18.

From everything you wrote, it seems like a very classic easy to diagnose case for a Dr.. It must be SO difficult for you. I was on Depakote for a long time after trying SO many meds for 2 months each to see if they'd work, and if not would try another. It is a terrible shame that the Dr's don't try another for you since this one is obviously not working. I was in a support group once of 5 women lead by a therapist and we all had major depression or bipolar. Everyone of us was or had been on Depakote. The thing that the Dr's never told us was that it causes a lot of weight gain in many people, and all of us, no matter how big or small were depressed about our weight. Luckily one woman went to a Dr. who put her on Paxil and Lamictal (which actually isn't for bipolar but works) and so I went to him and he said we women with bipolar have it bad enough without Dr's putting us meds that cause weight prblems, so he NEVER would prescribe Depakote unless it was the last chance of meds.

I hope you will keep trying psychiatrists and hopefuly the next one will have the sense to see what is right. Then you could get on a medication that works for you, even if that takes some time. I'd get the name of someone in your area who a friend or a website recommends because a lot of psychiatrists are good, but many really suck.

I can understand your feelings of not being able to handle things anymore and possible suicide. I always say I'd NEVER do it because my child would suffer so much, but when you hit rock bottom, your mind does often tell you different things. I've been in the psyche ward a few times and when I was at my lowest I'd be telling myself she'd be better off wthout me and all my illnesses. (I have fibromyalgia, and lupus, and a lot of other stuff she grew up having to handle.)

You are smart to be fearful of the'what if' because when we are low, it's not the low where people say "just get up and get out there and you'll feel better, I get depressed and I handle it." It has really bothered me over the years that people don't understand that I can be so depressed I don't get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, or anything for a week or 2, or 3.

Since you have the mood swings every 2 weeks or so, I'd say that's more rapid cycling than when you are on meds and go for months with ups and downs but not as severe as your problems. I have written back to a lot of people on this board where suicide was a big concern when they were on meds that didn't work. I just heard of a new one that I'm going to ask my current psychiatrist about. I don't have the name for you, but it was brought up in a support group and I have to hear back from the person who tld us. I wrote down a number of things and now can't remember what is what. If you want to E-mail me in the next few weeks I should know more about the drug, though many are around to try depending on your Dr.

I really feel for you, and know what a strain it puts on a relationship. My husband divorced me after 16 years because he couldn't handle the illnesses anymore, and the mood swings, etc. Luckily my boyfriend/fiancee' right now has been SO supportive, but after the last 4 years he does admit that it's hard sometimes. Especially since he became my daughter's "adopted like" father. He was/is handling 2 bipolar women in the house!

I hope you continue your search and get a good Dr. because with mood swings so close, it has to be very difficult.

Since I'm on disability and at home almost all the time, you could write me at MistRaeven@aol.com I will be moving out on the 13th of April but if I have a new E-mail, they will put it on this site. If you need a penpal, I'd be happy to hear more from you. Especialy if you find a good Dr. who gets you on a different medication, or have a really lousy day and just want to vent.

Thanks again for writing.

Love, peace, and joy,

Raeven

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Replying to:

I am a 31 y.o. female and I believe I may be bipolar. my father and uncle both have been diagnosed yet I have not. I have such severe mood w=swings that last up to two weeks at a time and I make it pure living hell on my family when one of my "bad moods" surface. I have a wonderful husband who tries his best to comfort me and be a support and does a terrific job. But in all reality I know that this is causing so much strain and stress on us as a pair. I have a 11 y.o. daughter who doesn't understand either and it is so hard on her. I have been in the hospitol several times and am on depakote. Doctors have yet to diagnos me with bipolar because they say I have not been under there care long enough to determine. But in my eyes I am I know. I grew up living in a household with this horrible diasese and I still do not understand. I try to control my moods and at times that seems to cause things to go worse. I know that there are others like me out there but sometimes I feel so alone. I need some helpful advice, some moral support, a story one like my own to help I think. If any one has anything to say or suggest to help me please let me know. I am grasping life sometimes only with a prayer and it scares me. I do not want to give up on life but sometimes I feel as if that is the only option. I don't think I would ever try to take my life but thenagain I can not believe some of the things I have done in the past. HELP! thanks for reading and listening! tracie