Hi!

I'm SO glad you wrote back. I've been worried about you since you sounded like I do when I hit rock bottom and feel as if suicide is the only answer. We seem to have a lot in common. I have been in the hospital here and there since 1985. It is terrible when you have one or two things go right, but you don't appeciate them because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've finally learned to enjoy my successes, as small or as far apart as they may be. It's taken a lot of therapy and a boyfrind who is a transformational counselor to get me to this point. I've also stopped trying to kill myself because of what it would do to my 18 year old.

She has a lot in common with you also. She's been in the hospital 6-8 times since 6th grade, and they were long term 'visits'. She had harmed herself for about a year 1/2 -2 years and went to a super intensive program called SAFE out here in the Chicago suburbs. Many-or a few at least, hospitals are finally coming up with programs for self injury. I've read about a few and some seem OK, others seem like they don't know what they are talking about. My daughter, Sam, has scars all up and down her arms, and if she wears a short sleeve shirt or has someone in a hospital see them, they always say it was for suicidal reasons. She and I keep telling them it has NOTHING to do with that. It's a release from the pain temporarily when you feel like you are going to go nuts. She gets the looks like you do, and it's aggrvating to her. She has Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome from abuse as a child, bipolar, and a bunch of other stuff that makes the bipolar even worse. She gained a lot of weight, she's 275 lbs. down from 300 lbs. so her self esteem which was already low got to be terrible and she feels the way you described yourself, and hating oneself. She has tried so hard to not cut this last 6 months-year with only 1 spell of a few weeks when she had to live with my dad and step-mom for 2 months since I was in the hospital and couldn't take care of her.

I'm really glad your Mom has come around. It's SOOO damn hard when people don't get it, or don't get the severity of pain you are in. Especially when it's family.

Sam had a drug problem also and has been going to NA meetings a few times a week which has REALLY helped her. It's something you might want to try. I went to a few meetings wth her and even though I felt I don't have an addiction to meds, I'm still on 10 of them and thought I'd see what a meeting was like. There was a large mix of age groups and everyone seemed to get along like a family. I've been so isolated it was wierd but felt so good to get bright smiles and hugs before meetings or during cigarette breaks.

I went to another meeting of hers at a different place and it was like night and day. The people were great but it felt different. I guess every place feels different. Sam has 1-2 meetings a week now in the city (Chicago)because she said they are more 'huggable' and really open and made her feel like part of a big family more than any other place.

I know it's hard to even get out of bed some mornings, there are times I just hide out under the covers and stay there. And it's really hard when someone is yelling for you to get up, like you said your Mom does. That's why Sam is moving into indepedant living (and because we're being evicted) this summer and in the fall she's going to college and we won't have arguments. Since we're both bipolar the arguments get bad depending on a given day. When she's in college (I think full scholorships and grants since I hardly make anything) she will be able to go or not to classes, and handle her life as she sees fit. She's very nervous about it because she thinks a roommate won't like her, and the campus is big, overwhelming to her right now. And a big part of her doesn't want to leave me. But I think it will open so many social doors and be good for her in so many ways.

Sorry to ramble on about my life instead of yours. I wish you had a Dr. that would see you and get enough out of the visit to get the meds right. Is there anyone else you can see, or are you stuck like us on county assistance- no fees?

I've found in the past 20 years from your age on, that the psychiatrist and therapist really make a huge difference. By the time Sam needed a therapist in kindergarden, I called and interviewed each person on the sliding scale list, had my questions answered, and then choose 2 that sounded good and went to both so Sam could pick which one matched her needs. I know most people don't do this, but for what they charge, an interview of 10 easy questions for them on the phone can weed out the ones that don't fit you and your needs. You could ask things like "Have you handled patients who self injure?) "About how many cases like that have you had?" etc. etc. The Dr.'s didn't seem at all put out or angry, they told me I was doing the smart thing that they would do, to call and briefly interview. The style they have, which you can ask about is critical to your situation.

I'm really glad you aren't hurting yoursef, and haven't since your last letter. I know it's hard. Do you have any books or workbooks on how to handle things with good info and work you can do to help with the self injury? I know Sam had a form to fill out everytime she wanted to self injure and by the time she was done, the feeling had often passed. Sometimes she'd have to fill out 5 forms in an hour, when things were really bad, but it helped a lot. The book "Bodily Harm" was really helpful for me and for Sam. She also had a soft cover large book workbook that I can't remember the name of.

You said at the start of your note you had no Dr. to call, but later mentioned a Dr. Is that Dr. not the sort you'd call?

Last, I understand how you feel about this not being living. With my fibromyalgia, I can do VERY little, and my boyfriend is like a caregiver, and I too take a step forward, that takes so much effort and then 2 steps back. It's really rough, but if you get a good therapist, who knows your background and is qualified, that's a big chunk of the battle. And if the new meds you are on work, that will help. If the Dr. put you on Depakote, call and request another drug. Since your weight is also making you depressed, and Depakote causes weight gain, it's pretty stupid to put that person on Depakote, even though it's done all the time. I was in a support group where everyone had been on Depakote and had gained a lot and were depressed. We all ended up going to a Dr. who prescibed Lamictal and Paxil and no more weight gain and that combo happened to work for me and the others. Since Lamictal is for something else and they found out it heps bipolar, you'd have to have a modern kind of Dr. that is really up on things to get that combo and see if it helps. Well, I better go. I'm tired and have 6 hours worth of financial forms for colleges to fill out and the final date was March first.

Take care, and thanks for writing back.

Raeven

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Replying to:

I still feel the same as the last time i wrote, but i'm not hurting myself although i'd like to. I don't want to end up in a hospital. I have no dr to call. I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself, my life. I feel awful, i'm ugly, fat, gross. I was diagnosed at 17, then my mom told me it wasn't true. I have been in therapy since i was 15. I have been in and out of hospitals for drug abuse, self injury, suicide attempts. I try to keep moving forward. But every small thing i do, i take two large steps back. I'm not really getting any where. My new dr made me feel horrible because i was late, and she wants to change my meds. She decided all this after talking to me for 35 minutes. i'm looking for a therapist. my friends don't think i'm sick. my mom is finally convinced i'm sick. i just had to get my blood drawn again, and the lady commented on all the scar tissue i have where they keep drawing blood from since it's the only good vein i have. i keep trying to remind myself that no matter how awful it gets for me, there is always someone out there worse off than i am. But it's hard to stay focused on this idea. i'm in school, and am trying to keep up with that. but i live at home and every time i skip a class because i am tired or don't want to get out of bed to face the day.. my mom comes in and yells at me about how i'm screwing my whole life up all over again. It just doesn't stop. I'm always unhappy, and even when i am happy, i know that the dull numb hopeless feeling is just around the corner no matter what. it always comes back. i don't want to live like this, it's not living.



thanks for listening.



mlm