hi im 43 and have bipolor disorder and i self mutalate im having a very hard time finding the right meds right now im on paxil and klonopin which seems to help some.i have been hospitalized 3 time for attempting suicide.i was told this disorder will be with me forever.im having many thought of this problem alot.i am now on disability which i hate,because its not enough to pay my bills its hard to stay sane anymore its even harder to live my life my mind and my heart seems dead i have not much spark left in me it a monster that waits for the right time my weakest moments and plans to take me away from life.i feel for all that has this condition becouse it will be with u forever till death do we part.

Dear Becky,

My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you reached out to us/me. I've had the flu and am so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

Your letter touched me deeply, and it's one I can relate to. I've had bipolar for years and tried many different meds, waiting for the 'one' that would make this not feel like a life sentence. I also am on disability and just lost child support so I'm in the same boat of "how can I pay my bills or even think about them when I'm this low?" I have to admit, since you were so honest and I am that I've had suicidal attemps in the past. I have a daughter that I feel I 'can't' do that to her, so I don't feel anymore like I have the option. Do you have things/ people/optimsm of any kind that would keep you from another attempt now? I'm also in your age range-I'm 41, so it seems like a long time of bipolar before old age hits, which is very difficult.

Getting the right meds for me finally made the difference- there is hope! I'm on Paxil and Lamictal (which isn't normally for bi-polar but if you have a decent psychiatrist he could hopefully add Lamictal. Klonipin helps me also, but the Lamictal did the trick for me (with the paxil). How often do you see your psychiatrist, and does he up or lower your Paxil depending on how you are doing? That makes a difference with me. We go from 20-40 mg. and back up and down every 2 months it seems. I GREATLY urge you to call him/her and explain what a dire situation you are in. Let the office know you are worried about another hospitilazation and they will get you in MUCH quicker. Do you have insurance at all or have to go through the county for your Dr.? I had major problems with my County Dr. to the point of finding a psychiatrist that's ok/pretty good for $50.00 a visit. I keep saying my insurance will pay and getting out of the office except about every 3-4 months when I pay $5.00-$10.00 just to stay out of collections. My county Dr. really messed me up and took me off 8 medications the first time I saw him (I have many chronic illnesses). I've been in the state you are in many times over the last 15 years, and am really concerned. First, I urge you to write on the board again or to E-mail me at MistRaeven@aol.com so we can talk at length. If you are isolated, like myself, we could write back and forth with however you'd want to do it. I am not the pesky kind of person who would bug you. I would just E-mail back to you when you wanted to talk. I get the message that you are hanging from a string and need not only meds that would help more, but a shoulder to put some of the burden on from someone who really understands. I also must say there actually is light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL NOT feel this way for the rest of your life. Once I got stabalized, I still had my other illnesses and bouts here and there with bipolar but I felt like I had my life back from the highs and lows. I pray, in my own way, that you DO NOT do anything rash until you've seen your Dr. and E-mailed me. I am very concerned after reading your message. I know it's easier to say than do, but try to hang in there, if it's day by day, or hour by hour, until you get action from your Dr. and hopefuly E-mail me. I don't have all the answers, but I'm here for you-sincerely. How long has it been since you were diagnosed, or the symptoms were present? I know I'm asking many questions but wamtto se eww

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Replying to:

hi im 43 and have bipolor disorder and i self mutalate im having a very hard time finding the right meds right now im on paxil and klonopin which seems to help some.i have been hospitalized 3 time for attempting suicide.i was told this disorder will be with me forever.im having many thought of this problem alot.i am now on disability which i hate,because its not enough to pay my bills its hard to stay sane anymore its even harder to live my life my mind and my heart seems dead i have not much spark left in me it a monster that waits for the right time my weakest moments and plans to take me away from life.i feel for all that has this condition becouse it will be with u forever till death do we part.

Dear Becky:

I'm sorry my note was long and rambling, and that I ended it in such a wierd way. Here's why: I was spacey when writing you but ignored it, I get that way with my fibromyalgia. But as I was finishing, I passed out, fell on the floor, kind of messed up my face, and was "out" for 20 minutes and had a concussion. The ER people said the big worry is why I passed out, because people don't just do that unless there's a problem. After all my tests they said I was OK to leave as they had ruled out anything serious. I'm seeing my lupus/fibromyalgia Dr. this Tuesday and I'm sure he'll figure it out. So thats why my letter ended with just a lot of letters that made no sense. I still really hope you'll contact us on how you are doing.

Love, peace, and joy,

Raeven

OHHHHHHHHHHHH Raeven. My lord. Are you ok now. Have you seen a you doc..yet. If you don't take care of yourself i might have to come to where u live and kick u in your butt you hear. J/P but seriously take better care

Prayers & Hugs

~Angelblues~

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Replying to:

Dear Becky:

I'm sorry my note was long and rambling, and that I ended it in such a wierd way. Here's why: I was spacey when writing you but ignored it, I get that way with my fibromyalgia. But as I was finishing, I passed out, fell on the floor, kind of messed up my face, and was "out" for 20 minutes and had a concussion. The ER people said the big worry is why I passed out, because people don't just do that unless there's a problem. After all my tests they said I was OK to leave as they had ruled out anything serious. I'm seeing my lupus/fibromyalgia Dr. this Tuesday and I'm sure he'll figure it out. So thats why my letter ended with just a lot of letters that made no sense. I still really hope you'll contact us on how you are doing.

Love, peace, and joy,

Raeven

Dear Angel;

Thanks for the concern. I have my Mom in CA concerned, and my honey, but I feel alone with this thing. After the ER did their tests and let me go, I saw my fibromyalgia Dr. yesterday. It's been a week and I still feel like I did the day of the concussion, which is really yucky. My fibro Dr. has ordered 2 tests to be done out here, and 2 more to be done in his offices at Rush Pres. in Chicago. I've been too sick and feeling like Sh** that I didn't go to the hospital today for the tests. My daughter's 18th B-day is Friday!! So I won't be going that day, but I'll get to it. Maybe I do need you to come kick my butt! Ha!

Take Care, and thanks again,

Raeven